March 9th. Pain in my back and stomach, not feeling good, I hope I am not getting the flu or something? (Been dealing with the pain for some time now and I had thought a few weeks before I was getting a bladder infection)
March 10th feeling better today, looking forward to spending some much needed time with a girlfriend if we can get everything to work out we are going to head out of town for 2 nights.
Sat, March 11th. The pain is back again, feeling like I might throw up, than there is a hot flash. Air, I need air but I hurt. I find my self-lying on the floor near an open window breathing in the cold mountain air. My friend and I think it is a bladder infection and she heads to the hotel lobby to ask where she can go to get me cranberry juice. Soon I began to feel okay to move away from window and she makes sure I am comfortable on the coach. My friend takes my hand, and she begins to pray for me. It is music to my ears, sitting before me is my friend who has not yet become a mom and out of her comes a prayer that is spoken with the gentleness of a mother voice. I am blessed beyond words.
March 12th Heading home, pain seems to come and go. I decide I should go to the Dr on Monday to rule out a bladder infection.
March 13th at the Dr's office, I wait while they run the urine sample, they ask me to come with them and I wait in his private office. My Doctor is a wonderful man, he knows God and he has been with me since I was 22. He has done so many surgeries on me and he once told me that he hoped I believed in something bigger than myself. He hope I believed in God because with the endometriosis and scar tissue he removed from me I should have never been able to carry a baby and I have 2 beautiful children who are now 18 and 16.
Soon he comes in, he tells me there is no sign of a bladder infection, no blood in my urine so it is not kidney stones but that it doesn't make sense. I am in pain so there might be a blockage in my kidney. He orders an ultrasound.
Tues. March 14th, 7:30 am. I am at my ultra sound. I lay on the table, PAIN, why is this hurting? She is only touching my stomach; she isn't pushing hard, PAIN, I BEGIN TO SWEAT. I tell the ultrasound tech that I am hurting. "Do you have your ovary's?" she asks. I tell her I have my left one only everything else was taken about 10 years ago.
It is taking forever, the pain continues, she marks and marks on the screen, she rolls me this way and that way and keeps saying she is sorry I hurt. She leaves the room for what seems like forever. When she returns she tells me my Dr. will have my results by the next day.
Fast forward a few hours, I have a message, it's my Dr. "Hey Kim, I need you to call me. We need to talk, we need to look into this more, run some more tests” WORRY HITS, MY AUNT DIED OF OVARIAN CANCER, WHAT IF, WHAT IF. Don't panic Kim, it's probably nothing, just more scar tissue, you have been here before. Breathe, breath. No worries. I call the Dr. back. He is out. Breath don't panic. I call my husband and he drives home for lunch to hug me wait with me for the Dr. to call back.
No call yet, my husband needs to get back to work. ALONE. I sit in my kitchen. FEAR hits, the tears spill and I begin to cry out to God. I AM SCARED, CANCER IS IN MY FAMILY, WHAT IF, AND CAN I HANDLE THIS. PLEASE GOD LET IT BE NOTHING, LET IT BE THE SAME STUFF I HAVE HAD BEFORE, PLEASE FATHER I AM SO SCARED. I BELIEVE YOU IN ALL THINGS, I CHOOSE TO JUMP IN WITH BOTH FEET IN THE NEW DIRECTION YOU WERE MOVING ME BUT NOW I AM SCARED. I SOUGHT THE LORD, AND HE ANSWERED ME, HE DELIVERED ME FROM MY FEARS (Psalm 34:4the first scripture I ever learned). I SAY IT OVER AND OVER. PLEASE GOD CALM ME, THERE IS NO FEAR IN YOU. FEAR IS FROM THE ENEMY AND I SAY HE HAS NO BUSINESS IN THIS!! Breath Kim, calm down, trust in God. FATHER SHOW ME SOMETHING, GIVE ME A WORD. Please GIVE ME YOUR PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING. Peace comes, my breathing slows and my tears begin to be tears of joy, not fear. I feel hope, hope in my God. There is a gentle nudge in my spirit, look up, look up. I lift my head and there on my wall is Jeremiah 29:11 for I have plans for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I let go; it is now before the cross. My family verse begins to move in my head. Philippians 4:13All things are possible through Jesus who gives me strength.
God's timing is wonderful as soon as I gave it up to him the phone rang. It was my Dr. and he explained that the found a very large and complex cyst on my ovary. It is just over 4 inches in diameter. It is very complex he said again. They are not sure about the blood flow. Not sure what he meant by that, I just keep thinking he never said cancer so I can handle this. He says it needs to be looked at again they need to go in and really look at it. Wait! Confusion. I have had a cyst before; it went away on its own, why do we need to look at this? And than he says it, with your family history, we need to look at this cyst. We can go in and look or we can just get it out, your ovary has more than likely shut down. I tell him, get it out. I don't need it to make me a women, I can't have kids anymore because I no longer have a uterus so get it out. He tells me that's what he wants to do but that I he must give me the alternative to have another look at it and than decide what to do. Get it out I tell him, just let me get past this weekend that is ahead of me because I am running the prom for my daughters school. I tell him that he can take it after that. My Dr. also tells me that is was a lucky find by the ultra sound tech. They were not even looking for anything like that. She listened to what I was saying and I give thanks to God for her.
FEAR TRIES TO CREEP BACK IN BUT I WON'T LET IT. There is not openings until the 12th of April, they call in pain medicine and I call my husband to give him the news. We laugh that one hysterectomy wasn't enough for me, I need to get it done again. I can handle this; they gave me stuff for pain if I need it. I know he said complex and something about blood flow, but cyst sounds good to me. Piece of cake, been there done that before, I'll be ship shape soon. This is all just precaution because of my family history.
For the next few days the pain is worse by the end of the day and my sleep begins to become less.
March 19th, Saturday and the day of the prom. My pain has been on and off over the last days. I have stayed down to make sure I feel good for the big night. My friend who was with me when I first thought something was wrong came to do my daughters hair and make up. She looked so beautiful.
I hadn't needed my pain pills to this point; I took some ibuprofen and headed out to oversee the prom. As the night went on my pain became worse. I fought tears as I talked to another parent and friend of mine. My wonderful committee stepped up; they tore down, didn't make me do anything and got me out of there fast. I headed home to break open the pain medicine. (Let’s just say I would never have been a good addict) my skin was crawling and I only slept an hour or two.
March 20th, I’m feeling broken, my friend, the wife of my pastor prays for me and I cry. Church begins, I can't get comfortable, I shift in my chair at church, and I fight the tears. The lack of sleep from the night before and the restless nights of that week begin to catch up. A woman from our church asks me how I am and I break into tears, she lays hands on me and her prayer is soothing to me.
March 21st, Another sleepless night, am I loosing my mind, I can hardly function. I need sleep but I am not taking another pain pill, my skin crawls and I feel scared on them. I call my Dr's office and tell them, I can't wait another 2 weeks. My pastor prays for an opening, the Dr's are each allowed so much time a week to preform surgery and now the spots are filled. The women who handles the scheduling realizes she miss understood the date I gave her for the prom that I needed to get past. She thought it was the later in the month so the earliest day she could get me in was on the 12. Now everything was full. My doctor and her would work on it. My Dr. assured me he would get me in. My pastor continues to pray for an opening and so do I.
I get a phone call and I am scheduled for the 29th now. The pre-opp appointment on the 24th. THANK YOU GOD, YOU ANSWERED THAT PRAYER.
March 22 and 23 new pain medicine and I get two nights of sleep that are better than before and I am beginning to function again. The pain is steady now and I begin to look back over the past month and a half. I start to see the signs that I thought was from to hard of a work out, or I thought I was getting sick, I remember saying I am fighting something, I even thought I was getting a bladder infection about 4 weeks prior.
March 24th. At my pre-opp appointment. Let's just say I didn't see this coming. 1st he tells me that another Dr. gave up his operating room and is going to assist on the surgery. PRAISE GOD FOR THIS. My doctor has to do an exam. He tells me it is sitting on my bladder. That explains why I was having the symptoms of a bladder infection. Than there is that word, the one that starts with a "C". Excuse me! Did you just say cancer? BREATH KIM. DON'T PANIC. He tells me that the ultra sound suggests that it is a cyst and but with my family history and the way that this cyst looks he can't tell me for sure it is not cancer. PROCESSING. Are you worried I ask? He explains, like we talked about before this is complex and we are not sure about the blood flow and you have a family history. I realize he did tell me all this, I just didn’t want to hear it and I stayed focused on the word cyst. STOP!!! Your taking this vaginally I ask? No he says, I thought you understood when we talked about it being complex. I need to take it out abdominally. Now he is talking about it connecting on to blood vessels and other organs possibly. It might be hooked on my bladder or my bowel. There is blood vessels involved, what is he saying? He tells me that need to have a good look at it; they are going to tie things off to prevent bleeding. STAY CALM, DON'T FREAK OUT. NO TEARS KIM, GOD IS IN CONTROL. Next he tells me that while they have me open they are going to fill my abdominal cavity with a fluid that they will suck back out and run for cancer cells. There is that "C" word again. I hold it together as he calmly tells me that he may need to look at my lymph nods also while he has me open. CAN THIS REALLY BE HAPPENING?
Transfusion risk is the next topic; he wants to go over the risk of aids and how far we have come in the last five years. STOP comes flying out of me. Than in a calm voice, I say do what needs to be done, I trust you as my doctor. I can't be let this scare me, I AM IN GOD'S HANDS. He says that is true.
If I had known this I would have had my husband come with me. Looking back he was trying to tell me this that first day, I just didn't want to listen, blew it off as the fact that he was good Dr. that was just being safe with my family history. I sent a text to my husband asking him to pray and I told him I would call soon.
I left the Dr's office and headed for my pre-opp at the hospital and blood draw at the hospital. I got a text from my friend who was with me when I thought I had a bladder infection, I told her what I found out and she began to pray for me and she sent me a scripture (Psalm 103: Who forgives all your sins and heals any diseases) It was so comforting to me. I kept a happy face on and when I was done with the appointment I called my husband. I got a little teary but I knew I had to hold it together. I re-read the text from my friend and I found my self-praising God. My friend had just recently re-dedicated her life to God and I drove home giving thanks for what he was doing in her life. Looking at it now I see that God used her to get me home safe that day.
As the day went on, I pressed in to the Lord more and more; I saw this in a new light. What had been put before me sounded scary, I could freak out or I could really trust, I could use this for his glory if I allowed him to lead me. I saw it as a chance to really show my faith. A storm seemed to be brewing around me and I could just stand there and wait for it to pass or I could learn to dance it in. God extended his hand I took it and I began to dance. That day he whirled me around and around, the sweetest song of his love began to resound in my heart and I found boldness in him. I was going to speak of him to others, I told him good or bad what ever happens, I trusted him fully with my life and I wanted him to use me to build his kingdom. With that came the most incredible peace as I danced with God.
My dad called that night. We were talking and he said it is okay to be afraid. I love my dad but I don't know where he stands with the whole God thing. There it was right in front of me. God had opened a door for me to speak my faith. I told my dad I was not worried, I was in God's hands, I had given it up to him and I trusted him. I would continue to pray, and continue to trust. I wouldn't panic or worry about what I can't control. He responded, "that is a good place to be". I closed my eyes that night and I gave thanks that I had a moment to share my faith with my dad.
I didn't get much sleep that night, the dog we rescued came to live with us that day and our first night was a long night with him. That will be a story for another day.
March 25th. the alarm rings at 4 am, my husband is flying to Colorado to see our son. I am exhausted and am going to face the day on 2 hours of sleep and my pain is bugging me. I spend time with our new dog and there is something about him that touches my heart. He is a work in progress. I headed out to give more blood, before my surgery and I had to take care of a couple of little things. I listened to worship music and talked a lot with God that day. He led me to the Healing rooms for prayer. What happened there was from God and there is now other way to describe it?
I didn't give much information. I wanted them to pray in the spirit (in other words, how they were led in their hearts). What God put on their hearts would work for me. One of the women said, I feel the need to pray that the generational cancer in your family be ended today. I never said one word about cancer; I never told her that my grandmother and my aunt had cancer. They were on my dad's side but it was still an issue. I stood there with her a prayed for that and God humbled me. Next we took on the pain. We prayed that I would be pain free. I began to feel a pressure in me. Almost like something was pushing down and out of me. If I hadn't been feeling it for myself I would have thought anyone else telling me this was a nut case and I would have ran away fast! By that night I was pain free. (That was until the dog acted up and I had to drag him into his crate) I lay in bed and prayed for no more pain. (Friday was the last day I took anything for pain)
March 26th. I slept so hard the night that when the alarm went off, I got mad and said darn this was the first time in over a week I have been when the alarm went off, I rolled over waiting for my husband to turn of the alarm and to my surprise he was in Colorado. I started off my day with a laugh. How I loved that day. It was so much better than Thursday. I went to my book study and my church and I had a chance to share with some beautiful women and we all gave praise for what God had done and would do. They sang over me, beautiful worship music poured out on me and into my soul. It filled me to overflowing. I thank God for each of those beautiful women. We than had our leadership meeting and again I was blessed to pray for the other women leaders in our church and to again to receive the same from them.
It was noon and it was one of the best days of my life. I came home to a very happy dog and spent about 30 minutes in the sunshine with my daughter and our new dog laughing and bonding with him. The day continued to get better and better and I continued to be filled with so much peace and joy. My pain was gone for the whole day and on into the night.
Sunday March 27th. 4:30 are I am woken up from a really hard sleep and I feel in my spirit, you have a mustard seed in your hands. Wow a mustard seed! I laid in bed trying to remember just how the verse goes about a mustard seed and all I could remember was that with the faith the size of a mustard seed a mountain could be moved. Okay God, move that cyst. Get it off what ever it is on, unhook it from what ever it may be hooked on. Shrink it. Let them open me to find it is no longer as it showed in the ultra sound. May your mighty work be seen in me? What a way to start a day. Top it off with the fact that my husband and my son are coming home and it was going to be a perfect day!
Off to church I went with so much happiness. Soon the four of us would be sitting in church as a family. During worship my guys came in. My son and I held each other so tight and I started to cry. In my mothers heart all was good. The last bit of worry was now gone. I stood and sang and it hit me right than and there is I was to loose everything, all my material things it wouldn't matter because what was the most import things to me were right there. My husband, my two kids, and my church were what it was all about. I thanked God for it all. I talked to my mom after church and I told her I was blessed to have such a wonderful family. I have a huge family and I see that they are so important to me. I long to have each of them understand the joy that I have knowing God. My mom knows God and she understands my longing to know that the rest of our family (both my husbands side and my side) would know him also.
All and all it was a wonderful day!!
Monday the 28th Today was a day to be real. After the alarm went off and we lay in bed pretending that we didn't need to get up and get moving. I had to say the one big thing that was on my heart. There was a risk of this cyst or whatever it was might be attached to blood vessels or even my bladder. I didn't want to think anything bad was going to happen but I had to say something to my husband anyways. I told him that I planned on being out and back to normal in no time but that if something was to go wrong I wanted him to be sure to find someone to love and to promise he would never let the kids forget how much I loved them. I cried and he held me. While he did I said my prayers and I felt the comfort of God.
I had lots to do today to get things taken care of around the house so that I could just think about my recovery when I was out. As the day went on the pain started to come back but not as bad as it had been before and I knew I needed to get off my feet soon.
I had a chance to talk with my Dad. He is in Hawaii on vacation and it was nice to hear his voice. Something bold in me came out as I was saying good-bye. He said he would be "thinking about me" I asked him while he was thinking about me if would also think about saying a prayer for me. Not sure if he will but I left him with something to think about.
Tomorrow will be here fast; I need to be at the hospital by 5:30 am. I know many people will cover me in prayer. When I am out and feeling up to it I'll write again. I plan on writing great news!! No matter what happens, I am in God's hands and that is the best place to be. If you are reading this and you don't know the joy of walking with God my prayer for you is that you would search your heart. God longs to fellowship with all of us. When he is with us in the ups and downs of life our burdens are much lighter. There is no way I could handle this fear of the unknown so calmly without him. He longs to love you. Let him.
God's blessings and good-bye for now. I can't wait to write again.
March 30th Yesterday was my surgery. I was not up to writing due to the effects of the anesthesia and the pain medicine. Let's just say I was worshiping the plastic bucket yesterday. My surgery went well. The cyst was the size of softball and they had to open me up like a C-section to take it out. The nasty little thing has not only attached it's self to my only remaining ovary, it has also attached to my colon, some blood vessels, my bladder and my ureter (the tube that connects the bladder to the kidney) and. I am thankful for the steady hands of the two Dry’s that did the operation. Concern #1 was no longer a concern. I made it off the table with no difficulty. Concern#2, Cancer. I am happy to say that my Dr. ran the tests and he strongly feels there is no cancer to worry about. They did not need to look at my lymph nods!! Yes, I am still waiting on the final results but, in my heart there is a total peace.
I am hurting today. I am moving slow and I am very tired. It has been an emotional couple of weeks but I am thankful to have been able to walk in them and grow so much closer to God. I have seen his handy work all over this and I hope that you will also want to draw nearer to him after reading this. I am sure many of you have had a story much like this and I would love to hear how God has carried you threw the hard times. I believe we can all encourage one another in our walks.
If this has spoken to you in anyway I give God thanks for that. It was all his handy work as he took a scary situation and turned it into good. I do not think God wanted me or anyone else who is faced with sickness to have to deal with that. I don't think he ever wants anything bad to come to any of us but we live in a broken a fallen world where bad things happen. God is good always; you just need to trust him.
I realize this doesn't explain why I have lost some of my friends and loved ones from cancer just as I am sure you have lost people close to you. I cannot begin to wrap my little mind around why some are healed and some are not. I just know that I need to trust him. He has been with me in some very painful times in my life and I know in my heart that every tear I have cried he has cried one with me.
God's blessings to you and thank you for reading my journey these last few weeks as I learned to dance in the storm.