March 9th. Pain in my back and stomach, not feeling
good, I hope I am not getting the flu or something? (Been dealing with the pain
for some time now and I had thought a few weeks before I was getting a bladder
infection)
March 10th feeling better
today, looking forward to spending some much needed time with a girlfriend if
we can get everything to work out we are going to head out of town for 2
nights.
Sat, March 11th. The
pain is back again, feeling like I might throw up, than there is a hot flash.
Air, I need air but I hurt. I find my self-lying on the floor near an
open window breathing in the cold mountain air. My friend and I think it
is a bladder infection and she heads to the hotel lobby to ask where she can go
to get me cranberry juice. Soon I began to feel okay to move away from
window and she makes sure I am comfortable on the coach. My friend takes
my hand, and she begins to pray for me. It is music to my ears, sitting
before me is my friend who has not yet become a mom and out of her comes a
prayer that is spoken with the gentleness of a mother voice. I am blessed
beyond words.
March 12th Heading
home, pain seems to come and go. I decide I should go to the Dr on Monday
to rule out a bladder infection.
March 13th at the
Dr's office, I wait while they run the urine sample, they ask me to come with
them and I wait in his private office. My Doctor is a wonderful man, he
knows God and he has been with me since I was 22. He has done so many surgeries
on me and he once told me that he hoped I believed in something bigger than
myself. He hope I believed in God because with the endometriosis
and scar tissue he removed from me I should have never been able to carry
a baby and I have 2 beautiful children who are now 18 and 16.
Soon he comes in, he tells me there is no sign of a
bladder infection, no blood in my urine so it is not kidney stones but that it
doesn't make sense. I am in pain so there might be a blockage in my
kidney. He orders an ultrasound.
Tues. March 14th, 7:30 am. I am at
my ultra sound. I lay on the table, PAIN, why is this hurting? She is
only touching my stomach; she isn't pushing hard, PAIN, I BEGIN TO SWEAT.
I tell the ultrasound tech that I am hurting. "Do you have
your ovary's?" she asks. I tell her I have my left one only
everything else was taken about 10 years ago.
It is taking forever, the pain continues, she marks
and marks on the screen, she rolls me this way and that way and keeps saying
she is sorry I hurt. She leaves the room for what seems like forever.
When she returns she tells me my Dr. will have my results by the next
day.
Fast forward a few hours, I have a message, it's my
Dr. "Hey Kim, I need you to call me. We need to talk, we need
to look into this more, run some more tests” WORRY HITS, MY AUNT DIED OF
OVARIAN CANCER, WHAT IF, WHAT IF. Don't panic Kim, it's probably
nothing, just more scar tissue, you have been here before. Breathe,
breath. No worries. I call the Dr. back. He is out. Breath
don't panic. I call my husband and he drives home for lunch to hug me
wait with me for the Dr. to call back.
No call yet, my husband needs to get back to work.
ALONE. I sit in my kitchen. FEAR hits, the tears spill and I begin
to cry out to God. I AM SCARED, CANCER IS IN MY FAMILY, WHAT IF, AND CAN
I HANDLE THIS. PLEASE GOD LET IT BE NOTHING, LET IT BE THE SAME STUFF I
HAVE HAD BEFORE, PLEASE FATHER I AM SO SCARED. I BELIEVE YOU IN ALL
THINGS, I CHOOSE TO JUMP IN WITH BOTH FEET IN THE NEW DIRECTION YOU WERE MOVING
ME BUT NOW I AM SCARED. I SOUGHT THE LORD, AND HE ANSWERED ME, HE
DELIVERED ME FROM MY FEARS (Psalm 34:4the first scripture I ever learned). I
SAY IT OVER AND OVER. PLEASE GOD CALM ME, THERE IS NO FEAR IN YOU. FEAR
IS FROM THE ENEMY AND I SAY HE HAS NO BUSINESS IN THIS!! Breath Kim, calm
down, trust in God. FATHER SHOW ME SOMETHING, GIVE ME A WORD. Please GIVE
ME YOUR PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING. Peace comes, my breathing
slows and my tears begin to be tears of joy, not fear. I feel hope, hope in my
God. There is a gentle nudge in my spirit, look up, look up. I lift
my head and there on my wall is Jeremiah 29:11 for I have plans for you
declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future. I let go; it is now before the cross. My
family verse begins to move in my head. Philippians 4:13All things are
possible through Jesus who gives me strength.
God's timing is wonderful as soon as I gave it up
to him the phone rang. It was my Dr. and he explained that the found a
very large and complex cyst on my ovary. It is just over 4 inches in
diameter. It is very complex he said again. They are not sure about
the blood flow. Not sure what he meant by that, I just keep thinking he never
said cancer so I can handle this. He says it needs to be looked at again
they need to go in and really look at it. Wait! Confusion. I have had a
cyst before; it went away on its own, why do we need to look at this? And
than he says it, with your family history, we need to look at this cyst.
We can go in and look or we can just get it out, your ovary has more than
likely shut down. I tell him, get it out. I don't need it to make
me a women, I can't have kids anymore because I no longer have a uterus so get
it out. He tells me that's what he wants to do but that I he must give me
the alternative to have another look at it and than decide what to do.
Get it out I tell him, just let me get past this weekend that is ahead of
me because I am running the prom for my daughters school. I tell him that
he can take it after that. My Dr. also tells me that is was a lucky find
by the ultra sound tech. They were not even looking for anything like
that. She listened to what I was saying and I give thanks to God for her.
FEAR TRIES TO CREEP BACK IN BUT I WON'T LET IT.
There is not openings until the 12th of April, they call in pain
medicine and I call my husband to give him the news. We laugh that
one hysterectomy wasn't enough for me, I need to get it done again. I can
handle this; they gave me stuff for pain if I need it. I know he said
complex and something about blood flow, but cyst sounds good to me. Piece of
cake, been there done that before, I'll be ship shape soon. This is all
just precaution because of my family history.
For the next few days the pain is worse by the end
of the day and my sleep begins to become less.
March 19th, Saturday and the day of
the prom. My pain has been on and off
over the last days. I have stayed down to make sure I feel good for the big
night. My friend who was with me when I first thought something was wrong
came to do my daughters hair and make up. She looked so beautiful.
I hadn't needed my pain pills to this point; I took
some ibuprofen and headed out to oversee the prom. As the night went on
my pain became worse. I fought tears as I talked to another parent and
friend of mine. My wonderful committee stepped up; they tore down, didn't make
me do anything and got me out of there fast. I headed home to break open
the pain medicine. (Let’s just say I would never have been a good addict)
my skin was crawling and I only slept an hour or two.
March 20th, I’m feeling
broken, my friend, the wife of my pastor prays for me and I cry. Church
begins, I can't get comfortable, I shift in my chair at church, and I
fight the tears. The lack of sleep from the night before and the restless
nights of that week begin to catch up. A woman from our church asks me
how I am and I break into tears, she lays hands on me and her prayer is
soothing to me.
March 21st, Another
sleepless night, am I loosing my mind, I can hardly function. I need
sleep but I am not taking another pain pill, my skin crawls and I feel scared
on them. I call my Dr's office and tell them, I can't wait another 2
weeks. My pastor prays for an opening, the Dr's are each allowed so much
time a week to preform surgery and now the spots are filled. The women
who handles the scheduling realizes she miss understood the date I gave her for
the prom that I needed to get past. She thought it was the later in the
month so the earliest day she could get me in was on the 12. Now
everything was full. My doctor and her would work on it. My Dr.
assured me he would get me in. My pastor continues to pray for an opening
and so do I.
I get a phone call and I am scheduled for the 29th
now. The pre-opp appointment on the 24th. THANK YOU GOD, YOU
ANSWERED THAT PRAYER.
March 22 and 23 new pain
medicine and I get two nights of sleep that are better than before and I
am beginning to function again. The pain is steady now and I begin to
look back over the past month and a half. I start to see the signs that I
thought was from to hard of a work out, or I thought I was getting sick, I
remember saying I am fighting something, I even thought I was getting a bladder
infection about 4 weeks prior.
March 24th. At my
pre-opp appointment. Let's just say I didn't see this coming. 1st he
tells me that another Dr. gave up his operating room and is going to assist on
the surgery. PRAISE GOD FOR THIS. My doctor has to do an exam. He
tells me it is sitting on my bladder. That explains why I was having the
symptoms of a bladder infection. Than there is that word, the one that starts
with a "C". Excuse me! Did you just say cancer? BREATH
KIM. DON'T PANIC. He tells me that the ultra sound suggests that it is a
cyst and but with my family history and the way that this cyst looks he can't
tell me for sure it is not cancer. PROCESSING. Are you worried I
ask? He explains, like we talked about before this is complex and we are
not sure about the blood flow and you have a family history. I realize he did
tell me all this, I just didn’t want to hear it and I stayed focused on the
word cyst. STOP!!! Your taking this vaginally I ask? No he says, I
thought you understood when we talked about it being complex. I need to take it
out abdominally. Now he is talking about it connecting on to blood vessels and
other organs possibly. It might be hooked on my bladder or my bowel.
There is blood vessels involved, what is he saying? He tells me that need
to have a good look at it; they are going to tie things off to prevent
bleeding. STAY CALM, DON'T FREAK OUT. NO TEARS KIM, GOD IS IN CONTROL.
Next he tells me that while they have me open they are going to fill my
abdominal cavity with a fluid that they will suck back out and run for cancer
cells. There is that "C" word again. I hold it together as he
calmly tells me that he may need to look at my lymph nods also while he has me
open. CAN THIS REALLY BE HAPPENING?
Transfusion risk is the next topic; he wants to go
over the risk of aids and how far we have come in the last five years.
STOP comes flying out of me. Than in a calm voice, I say do what needs
to be done, I trust you as my doctor. I can't be let this scare me, I AM IN
GOD'S HANDS. He says that is true.
If I had known this I would have had my husband
come with me. Looking back he was trying to tell me this that first day,
I just didn't want to listen, blew it off as the fact that he was good Dr. that
was just being safe with my family history. I sent a text to my husband
asking him to pray and I told him I would call soon.
I left the Dr's office and headed for my pre-opp at
the hospital and blood draw at the hospital. I got a text from my friend
who was with me when I thought I had a bladder infection, I told her what I
found out and she began to pray for me and she sent me a scripture (Psalm 103:
Who forgives all your sins and heals any diseases) It was so comforting to me.
I kept a happy face on and when I was done with the appointment I called
my husband. I got a little teary but I knew I had to hold it together.
I re-read the text from my friend and I found my self-praising God.
My friend had just recently re-dedicated her life to God and I drove home
giving thanks for what he was doing in her life. Looking at it now I see
that God used her to get me home safe that day.
As the day went on, I pressed in to the Lord more
and more; I saw this in a new light. What had been put before me sounded
scary, I could freak out or I could really trust, I could use this for his
glory if I allowed him to lead me. I saw it as a chance to really show my
faith. A storm seemed to be brewing around me and I could just stand
there and wait for it to pass or I could learn to dance it in. God
extended his hand I took it and I began to dance. That day he whirled me
around and around, the sweetest song of his love began to resound in my heart
and I found boldness in him. I was going to speak of him to others, I told him good
or bad what ever happens, I trusted him fully with my life and I wanted him
to use me to build his kingdom. With that came the most incredible peace
as I danced with God.
My dad called that night. We were talking and
he said it is okay to be afraid. I love my dad but I don't know where he stands
with the whole God thing. There it was right in front of me. God had opened a door for me to speak my
faith. I told my dad I was not worried, I was in God's hands, I had given
it up to him and I trusted him. I would continue to pray, and continue to
trust. I wouldn't panic or worry about what I can't control. He
responded, "that is a good place to be". I closed my
eyes that night and I gave thanks that I had a moment to share my faith with my
dad.
I didn't get much sleep that night, the dog we
rescued came to live with us that day and our first night was a long night with
him. That will be a story for another day.
March 25th. the alarm
rings at 4 am, my husband is flying to Colorado to see our son. I am
exhausted and am going to face the day on 2 hours of sleep and my pain is
bugging me. I spend time with our new dog and there is something about
him that touches my heart. He is a work in progress. I headed out
to give more blood, before my surgery and I had to take care of a couple of
little things. I listened to worship music and talked a lot with God that
day. He led me to the Healing rooms for prayer. What happened there
was from God and there is now other way to describe it?
I didn't give much information. I wanted them
to pray in the spirit (in other words, how they were led in their hearts).
What God put on their hearts would work for me. One of the women
said, I feel the need to pray that the generational cancer in your family be
ended today. I never said one word about cancer; I never told her that my
grandmother and my aunt had cancer. They were on my dad's side but it was
still an issue. I stood there with her a prayed for that and God humbled me. Next
we took on the pain. We prayed that I would be pain free. I began
to feel a pressure in me. Almost like something was pushing down and out
of me. If I hadn't been feeling it for myself I would have thought anyone
else telling me this was a nut case and I would have ran away fast! By
that night I was pain free. (That was until the dog acted up and I had to
drag him into his crate) I lay in bed and prayed for no more pain.
(Friday was the last day I took anything for pain)
March 26th. I slept
so hard the night that when the alarm went off, I got mad and said darn this
was the first time in over a week I have been when the alarm went off, I rolled
over waiting for my husband to turn of the alarm and to my surprise he was in
Colorado. I started off my day with a laugh. How I loved that day.
It was so much better than Thursday. I went to my book study and my
church and I had a chance to share with some beautiful women and we all gave
praise for what God had done and would do. They sang over me, beautiful
worship music poured out on me and into my soul. It filled me to
overflowing. I thank God for each of those beautiful women. We
than had our leadership meeting and again I was blessed to pray for the other
women leaders in our church and to again to receive the same from them.
It was noon and it was one of the best days of my
life. I came home to a very happy dog and spent about 30 minutes in the
sunshine with my daughter and our new dog laughing and bonding with him.
The day continued to get better and better and I continued to be filled with so
much peace and joy. My pain was gone for the whole day and on into the
night.
Sunday March 27th. 4:30 are
I am woken up from a really hard sleep and I feel in my spirit, you have a
mustard seed in your hands. Wow a mustard seed! I laid in bed
trying to remember just how the verse goes about a mustard seed and all I could
remember was that with the faith the size of a mustard seed a mountain could be
moved. Okay God, move that cyst. Get it off what ever it is on, unhook it
from what ever it may be hooked on. Shrink it. Let them open me to find
it is no longer as it showed in the ultra sound. May your mighty work be
seen in me? What a way to start a day. Top it off with the fact that my
husband and my son are coming home and it was going to be a perfect day!
Off to church I went with so much happiness. Soon
the four of us would be sitting in church as a family. During worship my
guys came in. My son and I held each other so tight and I started to cry.
In my mothers heart all was good. The last bit of worry was now
gone. I stood and sang and it hit me right than and there is I was to
loose everything, all my material things it wouldn't matter because what was
the most import things to me were right there. My husband, my two kids,
and my church were what it was all about. I thanked God for it all.
I talked to my mom after church and I told her I was blessed to have such
a wonderful family. I have a huge family and I see that they are so
important to me. I long to have each of them understand the joy that I
have knowing God. My mom knows God and she understands my longing to know
that the rest of our family (both my husbands side and my side) would know him
also.
All and all it was a wonderful day!!
Monday the 28th Today
was a day to be real. After the alarm went off and we lay in bed
pretending that we didn't need to get up and get moving. I had to say the one
big thing that was on my heart. There was a risk of this cyst or whatever
it was might be attached to blood vessels or even my bladder. I didn't
want to think anything bad was going to happen but I had to say something to my
husband anyways. I told him that I planned on being out and back to
normal in no time but that if something was to go wrong I wanted him to be sure
to find someone to love and to promise he would never let the kids forget how
much I loved them. I cried and he held me. While he did I said my
prayers and I felt the comfort of God.
I had lots to do today to get things taken care of
around the house so that I could just think about my recovery when I was out.
As the day went on the pain started to come back but not as bad as it had
been before and I knew I needed to get off my feet soon.
I had a chance to talk with my Dad. He is in
Hawaii on vacation and it was nice to hear his voice. Something bold in
me came out as I was saying good-bye. He said he would be "thinking
about me" I asked him while he was thinking about me if would also think
about saying a prayer for me. Not sure if he will but I left him with
something to think about.
Tomorrow will be here fast; I need to be at the
hospital by 5:30 am. I know many people will cover me in prayer. When I
am out and feeling up to it I'll write again. I plan on writing great
news!! No matter what happens, I am in God's hands and that is the best
place to be. If you are reading this and you don't know the joy of
walking with God my prayer for you is that you would search your heart.
God longs to fellowship with all of us. When he is with us in the
ups and downs of life our burdens are much lighter. There is no way I
could handle this fear of the unknown so calmly without him. He longs to love
you. Let him.
God's blessings and good-bye for now. I can't
wait to write again.
March 30th Yesterday
was my surgery. I was not up to writing due to the effects of the
anesthesia and the pain medicine. Let's just say I was worshiping
the plastic bucket yesterday. My surgery went well. The cyst was
the size of softball and they had to open me up like a C-section to take it
out. The nasty little thing has not only attached it's self to my only
remaining ovary, it has also attached to my colon, some blood vessels, my
bladder and my ureter (the tube that connects the bladder to the kidney) and.
I am thankful for the steady hands of the two Dry’s that did the
operation. Concern #1 was no longer a concern. I made it off
the table with no difficulty. Concern#2, Cancer. I am happy to say
that my Dr. ran the tests and he strongly feels there is no cancer to worry
about. They did not need to look at my lymph nods!! Yes, I am still
waiting on the final results but, in my heart there is a total peace.
I am hurting today. I am moving slow and I am
very tired. It has been an emotional couple of weeks but I am thankful to
have been able to walk in them and grow so much closer to God. I have
seen his handy work all over this and I hope that you will also want to draw
nearer to him after reading this. I am sure many of you have had a story
much like this and I would love to hear how God has carried you threw the hard
times. I believe we can all encourage one another in our walks.
If this has spoken to you in anyway I give God
thanks for that. It was all his handy work as he took a scary situation
and turned it into good. I do not think God wanted me or anyone else who
is faced with sickness to have to deal with that. I don't think he ever
wants anything bad to come to any of us but we live in a broken a fallen world
where bad things happen. God is good always; you just need to trust him.
I realize this doesn't explain why I have lost some
of my friends and loved ones from cancer just as I am sure you have lost people
close to you. I cannot begin to wrap my little mind around why some are
healed and some are not. I just know that I need to trust him. He
has been with me in some very painful times in my life and I know in my heart
that every tear I have cried he has cried one with me.
God's blessings to you and thank you for reading my journey these last
few weeks as I learned to dance in the storm.
8 comments:
Beautiful.
Thanks for sharing your journey, Kim. God was present the whole time and your faith is a testimony. Glad it's over and you are on the mend!
Kim,
You are such a living testimony and witness to trusting God. Thanks for always finding the joy in your day! You're trust and love for God is an inspiration to get me through the storms and left over mud puddles in life! You are a blessing to many many people, I'm lucky to know you! Prayers for you and many more blessings for a strong healing!
Wow. That was beautifully written.
I JUST HEARD FROM MY DR. AND I AM CANCER FREE.
THANK YOU LORD
We praise the Lord with you Kim. His strong hand has certainly been upon you. He is faithful, good & in control. Your Friend, Nancy
A friend of mine named Zada sent me this on facebook. I wanted to share it with you.
As I read, your tears were my tears as you wrote about all your emotions and feelings of fear, joy and praise, and I was right there with you! We share many favorite scriptures in Romans, Philppians, Jeremiah. I too went through a somewhat similar experience in 1986 when I had surgery for a complex ovarian cyst that was the size of a small cantalope. My doctor warned Jack and I at my pre op that it looked suspiciously like cancer on the ultrasound. But by the grace of God it was benign but very attached and I was full of endometriosis. I truly believe in the incredible power of prayer and trust that God will work all things together for good in every circumstance because I have experienced the miraculous wonder of His healing time after time throughout my life. How wonderful that your doctor is a man of faith first and that you shared your spiritual beliefs and faithful trust in God. It is such a comfort to trust that the Lord is always in control.
We have been so blessed during the past year being sustained daily, hourly, and sometimes minute to minute with Jack's recent health complications, (triple by pass and two strokes). He has walked with us through the slow but steady recovery process of learning to deal with the aphasia, restoring a good bit of his speech taken away by the second stroke through amazing therapists during the past months. I have felt the arms of God holding Jack and I and our family, and know without a doubt that "He is (truly, always and forever) Our Peace!"
This is a wonderful story of pressing into God and trusting him. I hope to hear other stories like this one. Jack is having surgery again on Wed. and I'll be covering him in prayer. I hope if you read this you'll join me in prayers for him also.
God's blessings, Kim
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